“The crows are fucking with me man, and it's driving me crazy?”
“It's the crows that are driving you crazy now is it?” He snorted, and looked at me with a crinkled face. “I am starting to worry about you man.”
“Planned obsession man we can't escape it. Oh my god I refollowed this sexy, crazy, funny girl @shoe0nhead, have you heard of her?” My friend shook his head. “She just post a video of her spraying 'anti horny spray' at the camera again, but she doesn't say at whom?”
“Never hear of her.”
Naw man, it wasn't Joe Rogan, it was Lex Fridman's pod cast talking about language is fundamental to young minds. I can't remember if it was Roger Penrose or Noam Chompshy? I don't know if I fully believe with what they were saying?” He started to pack the bong again.
“What was he saying?”
“Long story short, he was saying something along the lines of language is like software already in bedded within zygote cells before they split.”
“And what do you believe?”
“I believe our brains are more bendable than door hinge, and if them black, freaky, feather forkers, found and raised me as a baby, I'd be speaking crow.”
“Did you find out who your mom was, I heard you speaking crow before.” His girlfriend entered the room, startling the phone out of my hand. “I heard you speak dog to, you howling fucker.” I couldn't look at her because of the day I first met her. They both laughed.
“He made mittens jump like five feet the last time here was here just by hissing at her.” My friend pass the bong down the line ending in her hands.
“Good, he should have got a kick for pissing on my jacket.”
“Hey now, lets not get carried away.”
“I don't know, you can't get that smell out with nothing.” I sniffed in blond's direction swerving missing a slap.
“He didn't find his mom, but they were apparently giving him shit though.”
“The crows? What are they giving you shit about, I though you feed them. I read on internet that you should do that. You are interfering with their delicate ecosystem.” Still standing she hit the bong, blowing all that thick smoke in my face, before passing us and jumping on the bed. “He hates when I do that. You don't seem to care.” I laughed, trying not to think what I was always told of what it meant when a woman blew smoke at you.
“It smells good. Don't feed the crows? That some fake news if I ever heard it. I don't care who says what, them little rascals are smarter then we are. They don't depend on me for food. I give them treats every now and again. They been trying to tell me something for a while, like a few months. One of them was all giving me shit, and I though some flat bread would chill that fucker out. He wouldn't touch it. When this cat”. . .
“Bird”, my friend elaborated quick time.
“Crow” Jillian corrected.
“When this wisenheimer saw I wasn't listening, he flew down, picked the food, flew up 5 feet and spit it out, circling a perched right back to the same spot. Fuzzy fornicator, continued to give me shit.”
“What was he saying?”
“I don't speak crow. I told him as much. It was like he got pissed off, flew away and left the food. Anyways, I had to do something to prevent them from killing my cat.”
Jillian, my friends girlfriend, caught a suspicious look all over her face.
“He didn't eat the food? So it's still there is what your saying?”
“He's not the only crow in town. He must have told his mates 'dumbass is too dense to get what I'm saying, but he's messing round growing yeast again, better go get what he dropped before Bertha snatches it'. Hahaha, I had to do something though.”
“Wait, so do you have like, a thousand crows circling your house every morning looking for hand outs?”
“They ain't seagulls man, they have too much class for that shit. I mean sure, if you are setting up a routine, handing out free meals every day, you might catch a crowd from miles around. Word gets around.” She chuckled at the idea.
“They have class he says. So what did you have to do something about again?” She pushed a cat away from here, across the bed.
“Easy now, she never done nothing to you.”
“Blaine there are just too many cats in this house. I don't trust a one of them any more.” My friend looked up at me,
“Gees talk about a woman scorned over here eh. Anybody want some water?” We both nodded. “Yeah get me one too, whoever's going.” He laughed as he started spinning a lasso, aimed at some poor sucker.
“I had to do something to stop the crows from killing my cat.”
“Why would the crows want to hurt your cat, did she piss on them too?” Jillian narrowed evil eyes at the cat present. I couldn't help but think, 'she's going to miss interpenetrate your intentions'.
“Man, all I know is after the first time I let her wonder outside, I opened the door, in flew this blur of black, white and ginger. Three black birds hot on her tail and making a crazy ruckus. They saw me and stopped short in the tree, by my front door. Got all quiet and shit as if to say, 'this fuckers your own?' As if they couldn't believe I would get another cat.”
“Another cat? how many do you have?”
“Only the one. I've had cats all my life, but the one before this one was an asshole. Turned me off of them for over ten years.”
“What happened to him?”
“Nobody knows but the crows.” The young couple looked at each other with cocked eyebrows. “And all I know is they hated my new cat.”
“But that's what I'm asking? Why do they hate your cat?”
“She tried to kill one of them I suppose.”
“You suppose?” Jillian tossed a pillow at my friend, missing his head, which he ignored.
“I don't have to suppose, I know. I kept the feathers as proof of the attack. And this one motherfucker wouldn't shut up whenever he saw me. After a time I realize it wasn't me it was the cat ah getting a cussing. She used to followed me around like a little puppy. Something had to be done. I'd say, he was utter death threats.”
“So like. you decided to feed them some cheese.”
“Oh my god, make me a sandwich when you get up to get me some water please?”
“Are ha no, but you can pack me a bowel since your not doing anything.”
“Not doing anything, what do you mean? I'm setting to smoke a cigar here in a second.” My friend looked at me and nodded, which I returned.
“This game is worse then GTA. Do you ever do any missions or what?” We all laughed. “I don't think I have ever done one Grand Thief Auto mission for the hundreds of hours I played.
“Oh you should man, it's a great game.”
“No, my cat kills anything that moves man. Wait that's a lie. She won't kill snakes. They amaze her I think. She loves to catch them. Loves to play with them. Won't kill them. Moles, mice, skawhirls,” for the first time that day, I looked Jillian in the eyes and asked with a head bob, “What movie's that from?” She just shook her head. “No like they say it here, Ska-Whirls? No, You don't know? Anyways and ah, yeah she comes home with this live bird in her fangs, happier than I've ever seen her. I took a few pics of her I playing with this poor fucker and tossed it in the compost after the lights when out, and put that there bin out to the curb. When I woke up the next morning I found I was asking myself, 'I wonder if crows will eat other birds' and it hit me. A peace treaty through food.”
“Let me see the pictures? I miss the slob of a cat with no name.”
“Naw man I blitzed that shit. I was texting this woman and she started begging for money for diapersand I realized she was big pimpin. Got all scared she bugged my phone, so that shit got reset.
“You didn't back that shit up?”
“Come naw man, tell me how that shit is going work, use your head?”
“Was it Pegasus?”
“Jesus she wasn't the Prime Minister of Kazakhstan, I think it was some kinda Sputnik craftiness? Or whatever app Jillian used on me.” My friend's girlfriend didn't look over at me, but there was a slight eyebrow raise. Everybody is doing it. If you wanna spy on me in the mist of my transsexual curiosity go for it.” Jillian, clapped her hands together laughing at me,
“I knew it. Your a homo.” I mocked her laughter.
“Haven't you heard girl, it's not gay for guys to suck cock anymore.” We all looked at each other with quizzical looks, shaking our heads. “Your man calls me all paranoid, but I swear the government is running test here on this Island. Weed could be a new test vector. That is one of the reasons the PM flip flopped on his weed is evil stance. That's what's up with the computer station at the front door. They belong in the liquor store. Look at that guy: 12:42 he bought a two four, 4:21 he hit a pole. There it is open and shut case.” They both laughed at me, Jillian kicking at my shins.
“Such a conspiracy theorist you.” A Giant smile jumped off of me.
“She's not a motherfucking conspiracy theory, it's a hypothesis. Less then 150,000 people here. Perfect little microcosm of a petri dish, for all type of fuckery.”
“And your basing this due to the fact that you like to spank it chicks with dicks?” This is why I like Jillian so much. She was super smart. Flirty, but super smart.
“No I don't do that kind of thing on normal occasions. Just on Mother's day, and twice on Sunday. I went into the local weed spot the other day, and I was put on a list. People now a days, act like you can't hear them, although they are talking out in the open and shit. That sent me on a crazy, unrelated twitter rant, because I was so piss. . .hey don't shrink wrap me asshole. You ain't at work no more.” She was still flashing her man ugly looks. “I worked with the manager before and he treated me like an goof. Chiding me, in front of other managers for having to wait, outside my bosses office, until she decided she was ready to talk to me for hours, when I was suppose to be doing my job. Stop, it was stupidly complicated. Anyways sideways story short, I don't smoke that shit any more it stopped.”
“Yeah whatever gaylord. So you feed them crows, with the gifts your cat leaves, to show that she love you? You filthy regifter. Are you not afraid, your cat will use you to catch one of them?”
“Sigh no my cat, she's smart, and even though I'd like to think I come up with the idea all on my own, I leave them near the road. The cat, she don't like cars ah running.”
“She almost caught another one didn't she?” My friend say beaming that same shit eating grin, offering me a hit from the bong.
“Oh my god thank you. Yes, yes she did.” I said taking a blurry look at a tiny hole in the top of my sock.
“Look out, that there is Government weed, don't want you to start picturing me in a dress and get any ideas.”
“Hardy fucking haha, you ain't on no list is you? Anyways, that one gave me shit for a week. I feed them a bit more when the snow is flying, and they tell some friends, and they might fly by for a feed. They like my falafel, which is funny, because it's spicy, but they don't harass me none. Yesterday I was watching one of those big brain pod casts. I just have no time for Hollywood any longer, now they are forcing an agenda. I like to feed my brain with real knowledge. Truth of how everything works. You can keep your fake, cosplay, steampunking, pretend properties of propaganda, trying to trick me into some stupidness. If people only spent more time into problem solving instead of ignoring the swirling shit storm of a world we have concocted, I might have a baby someday.”
“Oh my god not another one of you. What agenda is this now?” She was still looking at her man packing again.
“Jillian, can't you see the man's in a mess, stop fucking with him.” I laughed. “Which one?”
“Which podcast? Andrew Huberman, that big braining badass had a guest, Dr Karl Deisseroth. I can't wait to get his book.”
“What's it called?”
“Projections: A story of human Emotions.”
“What did they talk about?
“Psych, I think you would enjoy it, you should check it out. How's work?”
“Oh my god, I am not there. I don't wanna talk about it.”
“That good eh, fair enough.”
“It is all so heart breaking really.”
“Yeah social work, now a days is dangerous. Jujitsu class I'm telling you. You just don't listen. Anyways, listening to how this so and so manipulates people's emotions with light, he mentions how some people with autism are repelled by eye contact. I paused the video and stopped to think about that. When I first got here, I noticed something I never seen before. The of the women, who where attracted to me, would never look me in the eyes when they were telling me their troubles. Always over my head and to the side for some reason. It got me wondering of correlations, and then man, all of my attention was focused outside. There was this crazy commotion, all crow, and I wondered, 'did my cat catch one of them fuckers?' I investigate. The commotion was coming from a big pine tree on my land. So I stepped up and man, didn't they to let me have it. I mean, one of them had a mouth full of something, but that never stopped him from talking some shit. I had a suspicion that they where trying to tell me something, because that is what they do.
“What do you mean they try to tell you things? You think crows talk, as in they having language?” Jillian, all annoyance but eyes on my friend, pushed that cat away again, who had slowly creeped up against her.
“I don't have to ask I know. Listen, we just have a special kinda of relationship. I have sat and watched them. One one got really close to me, perched on a branch, checking me out. Body movements, chirps, trills, different kinds of cawing, how many times, you can't tell me these motherfuckers understand English.
“What do you mean they understand English?”
“Have you ever hear of Canuck the Crow, he was on Facebook? Still eyes of daggers, Jillian shook her head.
“So this Cat out in BC, Shawn Bergman's, shot a film about his best friend Canuck, and he turns to him and he says something like, 'Canuck man, we need some way to stir up some shit son, we need some publicity'. Cunuck caw at him saying 'no problem bud'. Flew off, to catch the sky train to catch up on some rumours, and then stole a knife from a crime scene, getting his face all over the news. See what I mean, smarter than a skeeters tweeter, rest his soul. He like to mess with people and he must of fucked with a mean fucker. Margaret Laurence was right, Vancouver eats its young. An Idea that gone international” My friend returned and passed around glasses of water, I didn't see him leave.
“That shit has been going everywhere, from the beginning of time man.” And he exited. Screaming. “I told you not to get him started.”
“I was heading to town last month and I didn't see ah one of them. I was thinking that's odd, till I got to where the gas station is half way. There is this, one all up in the air just riding the wind all on one spot, just above me as I pass. So I think huh, look at him, just sailing on. I was struck with the thought I should stop for a coffee. Low and behold as I pulled in what do I see? Spot check.”
“Oh my god, that is so coincidental.”
“Hell yeah, a good coinkydink for me. Running the roads, licence expired, inspection over by a year and a half, sticker late. Sheet with the tow, that's just too much cash to the government. They have saved me from speeding tickets too. Seeing them flying all queer, slow down just in time for a cop to pass head on.
“Bullshit man. Super suspect.”
“Yeah I'm going have to agree with”, looking at Jillian, my friend took a bowel that was packed, blowing perfect smoke rings at her, “asshole over here.” She nodded down and back, as he coughed a bit. “I might not be such a jerk if my belly wasn't grumbling.”
“Oh yeah, so I'm off going to renew most of it the other day and half way there, again there is this frigging crow, taking his time hopping on the road as if to say 'turn around you big dummy it's labour day, nothing's open. Usually they stay well away from cars approaching, but not this so and so.” They both laugh at me, as Jillian, with a sneer, watched my man reload.
“So by the sounds of it, you get all freak out every time you see black birds? You must be a wreck, they're everywhere's.” My friend jumped passed the both of us, passing the bong to his woman.
“Look out it's a doozy. You guys suck, you ain't getting none of my chips. Chipolata lime suckers.”
“Do you know the nursery rhyme of crow luck?”
“Not by heart I don't Mr. Poe.”
“So you remember that different numbers have different meanings.” She exhaled into the air and shook her head with the quick shiver descending through her.
“Oh man that was good.”
“Worth the wait?” My boy echoed from the kitchen. Jillian's eyes narrowed,
“You should never make me wait”, she looked at me, “there will be consequences. So Edgar, I never realized you are all crazy and shit.”
“Ah who ah say ah mad man mad, lie dem a tell naw man. You are going to convert to my way of thinking man, I have stories for days. Your kinda right, my friends got me so tizzic in how I don't understand their messages, watch this. There flying, little big brains are just as plastic as ours.”
“Your obsessed, I will admit they are smart. All of science claim they are around a seven year old human, so that's not too bad.”
“By what measure?”
“People make tools, we consider theory of the mind.” I kissed my teeth.
“How the fuck is a crow going to make a microscope? No precognition you say. They can't strategize? Follow me naw man.”
“Where we going?” My friend sat beside me and ripped open the bag in his hand. Shaking his head at his woman.
“So two days ago I wake up and the first thing I see on twitter is this Haida Gwaii Thunder bird by Bill Reed, which makes me look for his rendition of a raven, which has nothing to do with the story but suspicion. Are you suspicious?” Jillian looked to the air,
“I don't know, maybe?”
“Are you?” I turn to my friend.
“Fuck no I run with scissors.” He says before stuffing his mouth with a hand full of chips. Jillian and I laugh.
“These black and beautiful so's and so's been trying to tell me things all year. They have thanked me for the rodent treats. Popping on top of the neighbours trash bin, crying for attention seeing me through a window, and once caught, he bows he's head and digs in. They must have been conspiring about how to make me understand. I am saying these crafty characters are smarter than we humans. We are too busy self fellating on the count of what we think's inside our big heads. As I was saying ages ago, they were all ruckus, I was worried Cat killed one, so I go outside to check it out. All the noise ah come from this one huge pine tree on my lot. Four of them there just letting me have it. One of these corvid genius had a mouth full of some such, sit blowing me shit. Three of them take flight to the top of this wall of spruce wood, along side my beloved barn and get all quiet. The solitary thought warrior, hops down a few branches for a closer look. Caught within talons' a rodent. Now, I don't know if the critter he was sharing with his friends, was one of the three I asked Cat to find the night before; because in the moon light, I though it would be cool to offer a blood sacrifice to flirt with one of the pretty gods of brazil, on the count I was feeling all superstitious under our silvering satellite over head, and how it revealed secrets about my crush, or if my man caught it himself. But he was looking at me as he was ripping.” Cuddling with her man and rolling some letters,
“Your raven. Hey man, who you crushing on?”
“I'm not telling you. Y'all just laugh at me.” My friend, slapped his woman's thigh,
“In no way anything can stop that from happening my man.” We all smiled and I ah, took a deep breath, in consideration of a crafty badass.
“Are ah, he clinched his meal and hmm, joined his buddies.” I wiped my smile still lost, thinking of lips.
“Over the years many people have quizzed of why a city hardened negro was doing in such a small place, and over the years I have spun some yarns. The truth lies with Jessie James.” A full mouth asked,
“The bike builder?” Jillian nested beside her man, munching on the odd chip, in between salty hand slaps, while I was being all long winded, looked up at him,
“The gun smith. You love him. You never shut up about him.”
“Whatever, the bad motherfucker has my respect. It was in the first time I witness him do, what I couldn't imagine he'd do, with something I watch him built out of his own two hands and with the help of some friends. Sheet just to make it smoke. I like using the term car truck. An El Camino's a car truck, Mini truck's a car truck, sheet if you slam a Ford Super Duty in ah dah black top, that motherfucker's ah”, they both spattered chip fractures repeating,
“CAR TRUCK.” We all giggled.
“Man I wanna drift truck, them so sexy. Well didn't this so and so, who claims not to be an artist, build but a car plane. First time, in the all the years of watching him go faster, a laugh jet out of me, springing off of my seat in disbelief screaming out 'PUSSY', all automatic snapping my fingers, watching him pull a corny, kiddie smile spelling out 'ah shit', as the feeling of inertia clinched his belly, for the first time in a long time. Oh my god, them initial experience are so satisfying. Forgetting his mission of wanting to manipulate drag forcing lift, to mimic the birds, was his mission in the first place. Flying with his own two hands man. Well sir, it was a case of simple suggestion. With him ah let off dah gas peddle, I thing I never seen him do, this BMF convinced me I need to do some fabricating of my own. Long story sideways, the reason I am with the two of you all.” The both look at each other, turning to me with chip shard smiles. Jillian cuddle in deeper to her man,
“And this has to do with the crows, how?” All cracked smiles and searching eyes, I licked my lips,
“Yeah I'm sorry, I talk in circles. I follow the last black Jay, beak fill of rodent, as he joined his quiet friends, towering in trees over head, to the side of my barn and they start up again until I look at the buildings roof and they stop. I hear this crazy cracking sound as if the walls are setting to come tumbling down. That sound panoramatize my focus into the intimidating reality that, motherfucker something had to be done and right this second. Wasting no time turning with the intention of running into the building to further investigate. And as if they were laugh cawing at me. As if to say, 'took you long enough, we've been trying to warn you, like forever, but your going the wrong way. See the bunch of fell trees. Perfect for the job mister tool master'. I stop, with a quizzical eye up at them buried in the spruce needles, I turn and take a few steps in the opposite direction and these smart ass so's and so's turn silent. Can you believe that shit. My friend lets off some air, his grin can't grow any longer,
“No, but it's a good story.”
“Watch this guy, me naw lie. I run into the building man, brace the middle of the wall where one of the rafters is loose as fuck, with this huge support beam, the last owner cut out.
“Why did he going and do that now? I don't imagine you'd have a problem if he left it alone.”
“Yeah well, his gone and this new problem's freaking me out. Pure shame if the building comes to crash into the ground.”
“So you fixed it. Look at handy Andy over here.”
“She's hardly fixed baby, I bought a stay of execution. I don't know what I can do man. The more my imagination starts to problem solve, looking at the broken foundation, all wall supports sinking into it, finding a railway jack to lift said wall so I can replace the old mess and on and on as the mind off spending all the money I don't have or,” I sigh again, a long one this time”, the energy to beg, borrow or steal. . .”
“Your fucked man, you wanna bowel?”
“That is what I love about your generation man, so supportive.”
“Well I really feel for you man, what are you going to do?”
“You wanna hear some crazy, pseudoscientifical, paraphysical shit?” They both look to the sky all head shaking.
“My fucking horoscope says to me today that she be a good idea'r if take the next few weeks and concentrate on the idea of home. The gods are fucking with me man.”
“Hahaha the gods must be crazy.” Jillian all giggly, throwing a lighter at me hitting me in the belly, making light of my new tragedy. My palms found my eyes with a gentle rubbing,
“My worries and not my point. These fine feather black birds, in cartoon style but here in real life, found a way to transcend communication beyond the boundaries of inter-species relations. Here we are at the top of the food chain, masters of technology, and all we can do is find more ways to scream out let them hoe's fight.”
“So I guess this is where problem solving skills come into play what can you do to fix this predicament you find yourself in, bird whisperer?”